No. 1: The aforementioned vacuum cleaner. Really, I don't care if the vacuum sucks up dirt and leaves behind diamonds, do not give a vacuum cleaner. It doesn't matter if it's the most expensive vacuum cleaner on earth. It doesn't matter if it's one of those cute little robot vacuums. It doesn't matter if she asked for the vacuum cleaner. DO NOT BUY HER ONE. Trust me. When a woman asks for a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, she's really saying, "If you buy me a vacuum, you are the one who will suck up dirt until I decide to forgive you." Seriously. I speak from experience.

No. 2: A gift certificate. I know this seems odd to most men. After all, if you don't know what to give your significant other, allowing her to pick out her own gift seems like a thoughtful present. And that's the problem. You see, what you think of as thoughtful, a woman sees as an insult. The minute we open the card and see that gift certificate, we think, "How can I be with a man who doesn't know the real me?" And yes, we're all a bit dramatic like that. And you might just be kissing the dog on New Year's Eve.

No. 3: Tickets to a Britney Spears concert. While that might have been a fun thing last year ("Yay! Let's go see Brit shave her head and dance like a zombie!"), the new Brit has her act together and her abs back. And during the holidays when most people overeat and thus lose their abs, nobody wants to be reminded that Britney has perfect abs. And a really good weave. Although, if your significant other really enjoys making fun of lip-syncing and has confidence in her abs, you might be able to get away with this.

No. 4: Playstation 3. Yes, many women enjoy an evening playing "Rock Band." But a gift of a PS3 translates in women-speak to, "Look, honey I bought myself a present and cleverly disguised it as a gift for you." Unless you want to receive diamond earrings for your next birthday, buy yourself a PS3 and your significant other something else.

No. 5: Snow tires. Unless you plan to go off by yourself and live in Alaska, you shouldn't give these as a gift. Actually, no matter how practical it seems, you shouldn't give any type of tires as a gift. Except maybe a tire swing. That might be acceptable.

No. 6: Lingerie. For some men, nothing says "happy holidays" like the gift of a Skanky Santa outfit. For some women, nothing says complete and utter humiliation like receiving a Skanky Santa outfit while sitting next to your 97-year-old grandmother. Keep Skanky Santa as a private gift, OK?

No. 7: A cookbook. Please. You aren't really so naïve that you don't know why you shouldn't do that, are you?

No. 8: Wrinkle cream. Again, are you that stupid? It doesn't matter if it is a billion dollars a jar and she would never buy it for herself. This is a gift that says, "You're old. You're wrinkled. Hopefully, this will help."

No. 9: Laser hair removal. I just can't say it enough. This is a stupid gift. Even if she asks for it, tell her to go ahead and get it and then buy her something else. Anything else. Maybe a mini dress to show off her new hairless legs. On the other hand, if the laser is, er, Brazilian, see No. 6.

No. 10: Exercise equipment. Of course it sounds great to buy her a Bow-Flex. Heck, Chuck Norris, the toughest 106-year-old in America endorses them. Unfortunately, this really says, "I want your abs to look like new Britney's abs." Trust me. You don't want to say that during the holidays. Have I mentioned that you'll be kissing the dog on New Year's Eve? Because you will be. I guarantee it.

And now, go forth and shop. And remember: if in doubt about a gift, don't buy it. Especially if the brand name is "Hoover."

Laurie Sontag Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. You can contact her at Laurie@lauriesontag.com.