Q:For two years, I have been verbally abused and mistreated by a co-worker. Her words and actions are more painful than being slapped in the face. This has lowered my self-esteem, caused severe depression and left me emotionally scarred.
I confronted this woman to find out why she despises me, but she won't even discuss it. My supervisor says the problem will go away if I ignore it, but that hasn't helped. I have also spoken to human resources, my union representative, my pastor and a therapist.
Everyone says that I should just leave, but I'm not a quitter. This is the best job I've had in 25 years, and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of pushing me out. Do you have any suggestions?
A:
Although you've been frantically searching for an external solution to this problem, the real answer lies within yourself. You've given this woman way too much power over you, so you need to figure out how to take that power back.
I can guarantee that most people would not let this little tyrant dominate their existence so completely. But for some reason, you are allowing her to control you.
These bullying games always require two players: a persecutor and a victim. If you refuse to take the role of wounded prey, your cruel coworker's game will come to a screeching halt.
Before you say "that's impossible'" think of people you know who would absolutely refuse to be bullied. Then use them as role models. Ask yourself what they would say or do in this situation.
You must also stop obsessing about this warped woman. If you let her command your thoughts, then she really is ruling your life. Constantly remind yourself that she simply is not that important.
Having sought advice from many sources, you must now help yourself by disengaging from this destructive game. But if you can't, then these interactions are providing some sort of emotional payoff. And that would definitely warrant another conversation with the therapist.
Q:
I retired from my company after 21 years and am now looking for a second career. Unfortunately, we got a new supervisor right before I left, and I don't trust him to be a good reference. Applications usually ask if your most recent employer can be contacted. When someone says no, does that raise a red flag?
A:
Employed applicants often request no contact with their company, because they don't want to alert management to their job search. Although that's not applicable in your case, your problem does have a simple solution.
Since the new supervisor was your boss for only a very short time, he doesn't know you well enough to discuss your job performance. Therefore, you can legitimately list your previous manager as the contact person. This substitution can be easily explained during an interview.
